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The mark of a self-secure person is taking criticism without getting triggered.
When you fully accept your flaws, no one can put you down.
In the movie 8 Mile,
Once Eminem had accepted his weaknesses.
He laid them out for the world to see.
That’s when he integrated himself.
He knew nothing held him back anymore.
He was ready to crush his dreams.
That’s where the movie ends (and we all know the story from there).
1. Self-awareness leads to self-understanding.
2. Self-understanding leads to self-acceptance.
3. Self-acceptance leads to self-love.
4. Self-love leads to self-worth.
5. Self-worth cannot be affected by outside circumstances (that’s self-esteem).
You can’t stand yourself
Your worst critic is the one you see in the mirror.
And that’s how you want it – let me explain.
If you focus only on the positive,
You’ll never develop yourself to your best.
I tried this for years.
I was the naive optimist.
I thought:
“If I only focus on the bright side of life..
I’ll only experience good things”
But sadly that not how it works.
Carl Jung knew this when he wrote:
“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
Only ~5% of our consciousness is conscious.
The 95% is your unconscious.
Where different aspects of your psyche exist.
Including the (often exiled) inner critic.
This “part” of you likely emerged in youth.
It’s primary function is to protect you.
But you’ve been treating it like an enemy.
It’s time you made an alliance with it.
Saying affirmations can bolster your self-esteem.
But it won’t affect your deep self-worth.
Self-worth is unconditional.
It develops when you integrate yourself.
To integrate means to “form a whole”.
To unify the fragmented self.
That’s what an alliance is, a unification.
Imagine that, being a unified force.
How would that feel?
But where do you start?
You start with the first step.
The first step is understanding.
Next comes acceptance.
Everything flows naturally from there.
So, ask yourself…
“Which part of myself have I made an enemy out of?”
Questions lead to understanding.
So ask. Ask, and you shall receive.
Self-honesty
Would you rather have a people-pleasing friend,
Or an honest friend who tells you when you’ve f*cked up.
One endlessly compliments you to make you feel good about yourself.
The other always reminds you when you’re not living up to your potential.
Neither is ideal.
How can you grow if those around you constantly tell you that you’re right?
But then again, how can you grow when those around you constantly tell you that you’re wrong?
Always thinking you’re right, you fail to overcome your flaws.
Always thinking you’re wrong, you never gain the confidence to make big moves.
Both are dysfunctional.
This is what it’s like inside many peoples mind.
There is no balance, no congruency, no unity.
Integrating your inner critic and your inner supporter is the solution.
Bringing all the parts your mind into alignment in your true best interest.
That’s true power.
True self-care
Imagine making your worst critic your best friend.
And they genuinely wanted the best for you. How powerful would that be?
This may seem controversial at first, but hear me out.
Only immature people get triggered by criticism.
To the immature mind, criticism is an attack on one’s worth.
When you’re immature, you’re naive.
And naivety and arrogance are sisters.
When you’re arrogant, you’re rigid in your ideas.
And when your ideas are questioned, the “solid” foundations under you start to crumble.
In the movie The Lion King,
Simba’s worst critic is his father’s most trusted adviser.
But Simba is immature, naive (and arrogant).
He takes Zazu’s (the bird) criticism personally and gets defensive.
Simba can’t take the thought that he isn’t as great as he (naively) thinks he is.
He has to bolster his self-esteem by holding himself in higher regard than he actually is.
Simba goes through many stages of maturation in the movie.
But as he matures, he integrates himself.
And in the end, makes his old worst critic, his trusted advisor.
When you’re divided, your critic will tell you you’re terrible,
And your supporter will tell you you’re unstoppable, but neither is true.
When you’re integrated (properly matured), all the characters in your movie are on the same team.
Making amends
Life-changing truth:
Your inner critic is not trying to harm you, it’s trying to protect you…
In its own toxic and dysfunctional way.
Writing this post..
I’ve mainly been drawing on insights from IFS.
IFS stands for Internal Family Systems.
IFS see’s the different aspects of your psyche,
As individual parts (like family members).
So the inner critic is just a member of a dysfunctional family.
And like in a family, if there is no communication,
Then there will be no harmony.
So to make your inner critic your most trusted advisor.
You must communicate with it.
You must get to know it.
You must find out what it wants.
And see how you can work together in your true best interest.
